| 208. |
[May 15th, 11:56pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
zero 7 - destiny. |
] |
so lately i'm not sure what's wrong with me. i don't feel myself. i don't want to go out with my friends. i'm getting upset about things that shouldn't bother me. i'm really emotional, and i feel on the verge of tears often. i sleep, a lot. it's only been this week. i'm really hoping that it goes away, because i'm tired of being sad. i'm in this place where things are good. my friends, my job. it's working well. but i don't feel happy. i've always told myself i don't need a boy to make me happy. i don't need to depend on somebody else for my own happiness, and that i'm better off alone. but this is the first time that i'm alone. normally i always have a boy that i'm talking to, hanging out with, being involved with. and for the first time in a while, there's nobody. sure i have those boys that are my friends. but since paul, i've just been alone. he still talks to me..when he wants what all boys want. and i choose to not be involved. i play along with his game, and i say yah maybe sure we could..but then i make up excuses and we don't see each other. i got so attached to him, so fast, because i was vulnerable. i met him the day i broke up with bryan..the only boy who genuinelly cared about me. i lost a piece of myself, and paul filled the void. and for some reason i can't seem to shake him. i try to make myself not care and i try to shut down, but i can't. we don't talk for weeks, and i'm okay. i get sad for a second, but i pick myself up. then something reminds me of him, or he texts me, and i'm back to feeling vulnerable. i know what he wants with me. he can try and tell me that it's something more, and he can pretend like he wants me for me..but it's not that. and i'm not stupid, i know this. but i let myself be taken advantage of by him. and for a second i'm happy. it happens, it's over, and i feel like he cares. he kisses me goodbye, and that's the end of it. two weeks later he's back for more. he says things in the moment to make me feel like he cares about me as a person. but if he cared..he'd want to spend time with me..just being with me. he'd want to talk to me everyday. he'd make an effort. i know deep down that he doesn't care. and getting involved with him was an awful idea, considering how strongly i feel for him. for the first time, it's just me. and i know that i don't need a boy to make me happy, but i feel empty. i feel like i'm not special, or important because there isn't a boy that wants me. it's embarrasing to think that i don't feel happy because i'm not getting male attention. maybe it's because of the way i grew up. i went for so long without recieving male attention, and approval. and then i got it. and for once i felt like i was okay. and i went from boyfriend to boyfriend, fling to fling. and now i'm just alone. the funny thing about this is, i genuinelly don't want a boyfriend. i'm terrible at being in relationships. i get jealous, i don't want to spend time with them because i'm upset, and i just shut myself off. they do nice things and instead of being grateful, i get annoyed because i feel like they're just trying to make up for something bad. and i can't handle someone constantly wanting to be with me. i feel smothered. but when i'm not getting male attention, and i see others who are..i get jealous and think wait, what did i do wrong? i think i just need to pick myself up, and move on from this place i'm in. i know i'm worthy, i know i'm important, and i know that i don't need male approval. hopefully i can deal with this, and be alright again.
|
|
| 207. |
[Jan 16th, 9:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
breaking benjamin - breath. |
] |
school is good. my friends are good. everything should be okay. everything would be great, if i wasn't so fucking stupid sometimes. i have everything. why do i have to even consider letting myself feel something for someone who i know is wrong for me. i know that he only wants one thing from me, and that i shouldn't talk to him. and i shouldn't text him back, and i should just stop thinking about him. it's been a long time, and i still can't not feeling something for him. even a little something. i feel nothing, and i'm happy. and then something reminds me of him, or he texts me, and i get nervous and scared and i say things i shouldn't say. and it scares me to think that i can't let him go. it makes me want to cry, even just thinking about him and me and everything. it's so hard. i don't know how to shake this. i've never felt this way, about any other guy in my life. and i don't know why i'm so stuck. i've met someone better. i've met someone better for me, and better for my life. and someone who probably wants more from me. but i still feel for him. i can't figure out how to make this go away. i can't ignore him. it makes me feel bad, and it makes me think he'll be upset. and i shouldn't even care what he thinks. i should just stay away. i want so much just to tell him to come over tomorrow and to do what i know is wrong. but i know, that it's not right, it's not smart, and it's going to hurt more than just me. so i won't. but i'm still thinking about him. that's wrong, and it needs to change. but i can't figure out how to it.
|
|
| 206. |
[Dec 19th, 4:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
snow patrol - open your eyes. |
] |
oh gosh. so monday i hung out with diana..and jeff. he's such a nice guy. i was proud of myself for not doing something, that i sort of wanted to. lol. and now paul's trying to make himself present again. there's something about him, i just can't stay away. the more bad things he does, the more i wish he'd make up for it. it's really bad. today i worked 7-4, and i'm so tired. tomorrow i'm off. i'm gonna make cookies with dawn, and then i'm hanging out with diana. friday i work, and saturday, i'm gonna finish up christmas shopping before work. afterwards i'm going to tim's with diana. we're having a margartia night! hopefully jeff can come. that'll be fun. i can't even believe that monday is christmas eve. like, that's crazy to me. sunday i'm gonna go make christmas cookies with my grandma. monday i think the fam is going to alliance for the day. that night i think we're going to my dad's. then tuesday is christmas! new years eve i'm going out with diana, and new years day me and the fam is going to PA. that'll be fun. i'm just really excited for all the things that are coming up. alrighty i'm gonna go. adios.
|
|
| 205. |
[Dec 10th, 8:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
anberlin - inevitable. |
] |
so saturday i went to tim's with diana. i had so much fun. i got really drunk, and texted everybody as usual. i texted paul and somehow we made things between us okay again. i'm glad. needless to say, i'm glad i sucked it up and told him how i felt. because it turns out, it's going to be worth it. i had my math final today, i did okay. i ended up with a B+ in the class. hopefully i can get some sleep tonight, because i have to be up at 7. i have a spanish final 8-10 and i'm ridiculously nervous. pauls supposed to come over after. i don't know which one i'm more nervous about. then at one my grandma is coming up to help me pack. my diana is supposed to come too, but she's pretty sick. i hope she's better this weekend, because we're supposed to go out. i hate when my friends are sick i just want to fix them, lol. i have this project that's due wednesday, and i'm gonna finish it on tuesday. i think i'll drive back up here on wednesday to drop it off. i have a dentist appointment, and then i'm going out to lunch with david. then i have nooothing to do all day. maybe i'll wrap presents, lol. thursday i'm gonna bake christmas cookies with kate, and then i work. friday is my party. i thought it would never come. i don't have to work, so i'm gonna go shopping for snacks for the party. i'm so excited, i invited so many people and i'm really looking forward to it. saturday i'm doing lunch with kimmy, and then going out with my diana that night. unless she's still sick, then i'm gonna make her a sick basket and go visit her. i'm just really glad that i'm coming home. like it'll just be nice to be in wadsworth. that's where my work, my family, and my friends are. i'm really looking forward to christmas, like i cannot wait. i just love everything about it. and new years eve i'm supposed to go out with diana, and then new years day i'm going to PA to see my family. that should be fun. but everything is going pretty well right now. i mean, there are a few things that i wish were better, but you can't win them all. i'm just nervous about a situation i'm getting myself into. i really hope that i'm not going to regret this. i don't want to end up getting hurt, and feeling like i never should've started. but i mean, i've been down this road before, and even though i got hurt, i think this time will be different. i've prepared myself emotionally. like, i've already been hurt, so i'm not expecting anything more than what i know will happen. the other situation i was in has sort of fizzled out, but i'm sort of glad that it. it never would've went anywhere, we were both too busy, and i wasn't as much involved as i should've been. but i'm nervous. i get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.
|
|
| 204. |
[Dec 3rd, 4:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited for math! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
blue oyster cult - godzilla. |
] |
so everything has been pretty good. i got a lot of my christmas shopping done last weekend, and i'll probably finish this weekend. i'm excited, i love christmas. =] this is my last week of school, and then the week after i have three finals on monday and tuesday, and then i'm done! my grandma is gonna come up with me and help me pack and then i'll head home until spring semester. i'm so ready for christmas break, honestly. my weekend was good. i hung out with diana a bunch, that was fun. this weekend i'm gonna hang out with dawn saturday, and then go to tim's saturday night with diana. it'll be fun. tonight after math class i'm gonna go over to my grandma's house for a little while, and then come back here and write my english paper. it's due tomorrow, i figure i should probably get it done, lol. alrighty i think i'm gonna go. adios kiddos.
|
|
| 203. |
[Nov 19th, 9:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fantastic! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dj khaled - i'm so hood. |
] |
good news folks, i'm feeling better! haha i'm so pumped. well my roomate just left for hawaii. which means i won't see here until monday! craaaazy, haha. i have to work tomorrow and i really don't want to. i have a feeling it'll be busy. wednesday the university shuts down at 5, so my math is cancelled. after career and professional issues in psychology i'll pack my stuff and head home. i guess my parents finally have my bedroom done, or will have it done by wednesday. so i'm gonna go home and stay there for the weekend, unless i get annoyed and come home early, haha. i'm excited for thanksgiving. this year is gonna be crazy because david's sister's kids are coming, which hasn't happened. i haven't seen frankie and emma in a long time, so it'll be nice. and i've been thinking about christmas and i'm pumped because i know what i'm buying for everybody. i love christmas. and my grandma got me a grady sizemore jersey, it looks so cute. and then i told my mom i want an ihome from target, and then a gift card to the mall. i need clothes sooo sooo bad. i mean i have a lot of clothes, but half of them don't fit me. i just need jeans really bad. i have maybe three pairs of jeans that fit me and the rest are too big. my new years resolution is to grow out my hair. i really really want to grow it out but i can never stick with it. it gets to a certain length and i go in for a trim and just cut it all off. i just found out that for new years i'm going to pa with my family. we're all gonna go stay at my aunt janets and the whooole family is coming. i'm really excited. i love getting to see my family, and my cousins are hilarious! this weekend is gonna be fuuun. i'm supposed to hang out with matt and diana mae, my two favorite people! =D matt's so cute. i texted him and i was like what are you doing this weekend, and he goes "coming to see you" awww! haha. and diana mae is like the best friend ever. we have so much fun all the time. got my drink n my 2step is our theeeme song! haha. ooh the hills is on tonight. this is gonna be a good one! alrighty well i'm gonna go. later dudes.
|
|
| 202. |
[Nov 16th, 5:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dr.phil! |
] |
i have bronchitis.
it sucks. =[
|
|
| 201. |
[Nov 10th, 9:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
breaking benjamin - breath. |
] |
so friday was really really fun. i had, suprisingly, a great night at work. after work i went to jimmy's with diana mae. i drank way too much, but it was fun. =D haha. today i hung out with my mom for a little while, and i went to the grocery store for her. i'm such a nice daughter, lol. then i hung out with dee, kp, and her friend nicole. it was good. now i'm back in akron. matt's coming over later. i'm so so exhausted so i hope he doesn't mind just laying in bed, haha. tomorrow i have to work, even though i requested off. bill needed me he said, and i felt sort of bad, so i'm working for like four and a half hours. i have like four papers to write, math hw, and spanish hw. it's gonna be a long ass day. i work so much next week to. i feel like this next week is gonna be so overwhelming. i have tests, quizzes, work, and hw. and on top of that i'm still putting up with peoples shit. i just don't appreciate people being mad at me for things that don't even matter. like this isn't highschool anymore. i know that i'm past of all that drama, i just wish a few other people would move on with me. as stressful as next week will be, i'm so grateful for the fact that i'm going to have a few bigger paychecks ahead of me because bill increased my hours. i really need to start my christmas shopping. or at least start saving money. that's my goal. like continue doing well in school, and save money. alrighty well i'm gonna make an attempt to get some homework done. i tried doing my math homework a few nights ago and i got really really frustrated and just gave up. hopefully that doesn't happen again.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
